i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
