my phone needs a breathalizer
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
