There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
