He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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