I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
