I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize