I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
