bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
