we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
