chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The best revenge is premature balding
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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