If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
