Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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