somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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