It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
