Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
