You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
