Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
