another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
