The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You smell like stripper and shame
she told me i tasted like america
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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