yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
