The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
