dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
