I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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