I think my fart just growled at me.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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