how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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