My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
