When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
honey bunches of taint.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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