just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
