I wanna passion pit in your ass
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
