My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she pinky promised me she was 18
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
