Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
