if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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