i think i have two assholes
pop tarts are not kleenex
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
