Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
