Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
