after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize