she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
