There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
