i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
