he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
