Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
