I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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