She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
