My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
