It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
