Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
