Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
