She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
