first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
