Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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