Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
