hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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