what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
