She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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