she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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