update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize