i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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