and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
