he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
