AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
