You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
