everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
