If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
