so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize