I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
