i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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