literally had 100 drinks last night.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
