Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
