Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I need a beard to bite.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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